First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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