In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
