Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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