I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
