It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
So many bounce houses so little time
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
