im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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