Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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