Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
