i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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