youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
