I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Randomize
