my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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