I think my vagina is haunted
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
