I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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