hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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