woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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