how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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