you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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