he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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