Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize