I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
