Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
