is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
