When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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