Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
