Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize