Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
