First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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