i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
