She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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