It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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