I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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