He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
zippers are such a cool invention
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
When are your genitals available?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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