I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize