im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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