White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
