I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
