you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
