Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You ruined the universe
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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