he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
