Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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