I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
