We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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