you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
