im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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