I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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