Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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