Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
