Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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