Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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