Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I love having hate sex.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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