At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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