my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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