You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
My underwear smells like fireworks.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
We have started to decorate penises.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
