cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
