I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
