i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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