And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
