I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
