No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
